Sunday, August 30, 2009

632 (Or what being dead last means to me)

Of 640 people who jumped in Lk Sammamish with the intent of doing a triathlon on Saturday, I crossed the finish line 632nd.

How that makes me dead last? 633-640 were DNF. The worst possible result in a triathlon. Did Not Finish.

There were reasons for this. Not excuses, but reasons. (For the difference, see my feelings on guilt vs regret)

First and foremost, I had not trained significantly in 3 weeks. And by that I mean, since my Aug 1 tri, I did one open water swim, one pool swim, and like wan like 3 times. That includes twice with my 5 k group. And didn't get on my bike at all.

The reasons for the lack of training are good ones. Father in law in a coma for a week. Father in law passes away and I have to help only child hubby deal with (or avoid dealing with) the fall out. The cold from hell. Which did it's usual path for me and spent a few days in my head before settling in my chest & making me sound like Lauren Bacall.

The last one was the one the did the most damage this weekend. I started out, pre-race, feeling pretty good. My hubby asked me the night before if I really wanted to do it, since I still sounded like I was hacking up pieces of lung, but I felt like that would be wimping out. I took my inhaler, and cold meds, and there was a slight drizzle, but hey, who cares about rain when you're swimming, right?

I was a little nervous when I got in the water, but felt that way the 1st time, so didn't think anything of it. Things went significantly down hill from there. I had several friends doing this event, so I had people to talk to as we waited. We were waiting for the pre-race meeting that we never heard happen. (This would be important later)

Things were running late, but no big deal. We waded out into the water at 7:28a and got the start. About 75 meters in to the 1/4 mile swim, I tried to hydrate myself by inhaling a large amount of water. I coughed for a min, and never was able to catch my breath again. At this point, the spirit was willing, but my lungs were not. I treaded water, backstroked and doggie paddled for 1/4 of a mile. The kayak support offered to help, but I didn't take it. I was going to swim under my own power, but every time I tried to take a full crawl stroke, I had a coughing fit. So after what felt like an hour (but was actually around 18 min) I got out and walked up the beach. Only to find that you had to jump up like a foot, with no stairs. WTF?

Transition went OK. It was really raining by then, but as I was all wet, didn't really worry about it. Wetsuit off, racebelt skirt on, wet socks, wet shoes, pink sleeves, 15 year old gloves, helmet. Just over 4 min.

I was just getting out onto the course when the very first men started to come back from the bike. I heard some rubbing on my front tire, but wasn't able to figure out what it was before the race, so didn't get off to mess with it. As we were leaving, my husband told me that it was my brake rubbing. THE WHOLE 13+ MILES. This course was harder, the roads were open, and it was a slight uphill the whole way out- with a pretty big hill just before the turn around.

The bike was hard. I hadn't ridden a bike outside in the rain since college. Why would I? At one point, it rained hard enough that I was soaked all over. I was coughing up lots of phlegm, and decided that I was over being ladylike. Lots of spitting. It was icky.

It likely didn't help that my elderly mountain bike was working against me with the maladjusted brake. Then again, I have to take the tire off to get it in my car- so that was my fault. This was almost an hour and 20 min. My husband thinks that 10-15 min of that was caused by the brake drag.

The second transition was where I lost it. At every point until this, my spirit has been stronger than my body. My determination was more than my lungs. But as I rode in, people were leaving. If you're a decent triathlete, 1:45 is an easy time to hit. As I walked my bike to my spot, I had to dodge around families and eating people. I knew I wasn't last in on the bike since I didn't have a motorcycle escort, but still, it was discouraging. I was frustrated, but I kissed my kid, and looked around for the run out.

I went back over where the bike out was, where the people were coming in, and couldn't find it. I asked someone, and the pointed all the way back by the lake, the other side of transition. With all of the people "helping" saying, "you go!" none of them could say- "you go- THAT WAY"???

I was tired, wet, dirty, and completely lost it. Panic Attack. Gasping for breath. And fighting tears. I was SO frustrated, so angry, and above all else, mad at myself, because I wanted to do better this time.

There were a couple of areas that were poorly marked. At one point I took a wrong turn. But the one thing I never did is stop. I got passed. I got mad. I ran (a tiny bit). I walked. I told the photographer to leave me alone as I left transition crying. I got ahead of my son as he walked alongside me, and I had the chorus of Madonna's "Can't Stop" running over and over in my head. I didn't stop.

One reason I decided to do triathlons is because I didn't want to do just one sport and be really slow. Somehow, I felt like it was more OK to be slow at three sports. Yes, I realize that if you've never done one, it doesn't make a lot of sense, but if you've been there, you know what I mean. I don't have to win. I just have to finish.

I also was hoping to be an example for my son. He doesn't just see me as pudgy Mommy reading all of the time, but as active Mommy, wunning, riding my bike. But Saturday, I think I showed him a bigger lesson. One I learned about myself some time Saturday afternoon.

There was no way I was going to come in first in the race. Hell, for me, it's not much of a race. It's an event. Most of my life, if I couldn't win, I wouldn't compete. But this is my new thing. It's all about the effort. And never ever giving up.

So on Saturday morning, that's what I taught my son. The time is not important. The destination is only important in that it's the end. I can hate every step of the way, it's not even about the journey. It's all about my willingness to take the journey. It's all about doing MY best. And trying to get better.

Hell, there was only one person who was first. And one who was last. And I'm ok with that.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Guilt vs Regret

I've always made a point of living my life with out regrets. I'm not sure where I am on the whole "higher power" thing but I do believe that things turn out the way they are meant to, and that regret is pointless. You can't change the past, you can only change the future, and do your best to move forward from where you are now.

Unfortunately, although this is something that my brain knows and believes, it does not in any way help with guilt.

These last few weeks have been rough on my family. After five days in a coma, my husband and I made the difficult decision to take my father in law off of the respirator, and he died within hours. My head knows that we're doing all of the right things, and that it's more important to now focus on MY boys, who are alive, and what it right for them, but this does not dispel guilt.

As this relates to my workouts, as soon as I went back to work after Bob's death, I had a major cold kick in. It started in my head, but as always seems to happen for me, it promptly settled into my chest. So for almost two weeks, I have not been able to breathe. No breathing= no workout.

Again, the brain knows that I felt like poop, which is not good for working out, but I can't shake the guilt.

Before, this would not worry me, but now, I not only miss the working out, but I've got a tri. TOMORROW MORNING. I'll get on my bike today, but I'm worried. Tried to go for a run last night, and I couldn't breathe.

So tomorrow will be about two things for me. Drugs, and pacing. I'll NEED to make sure I use my inhaler to keep my lungs open, and maybe a decongestant to stay clear. Sadly, the thing that cost me the most yesterday was laughing, which then caused a coughing fit. I need to make sure I'm taking it slow, but still fast enough that I don't have major attacks of guilt later.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Mortality, Morbidly, and Muscles

I'd beat myself up more for not writing, but my father in law had a massive heart attack and has been in a coma, so I think I get a little bit of a pass.

But time spent in the ICU at Harborview Medical Center means less training time, while I ponder my own mortality. When we look at the risks for what happened to him (at 64) we check a lot of boxes that for ME would not be checked:
  • Smoker FIL-Y Me- N
  • Heavy Drinker FIL- Y Me- N
  • High Blood Pressure FIL-Y Me-N
  • High Cholesterol FIL-Y Me-N
  • Over 60 FIL-Y Me-Not yet :)
But then there are boxes the other way:
  • Congenital Heart Defect: Me- Y FIL-N
  • BMI over 30(get it, morbidly obese?): Me- Y FIL-N
So since the tri, I have not been great about keeping up with my workouts. I've been on my bike... nope, no times. Just one time on the bike at the gym. I've been to the pool once, and open water once each. And Wunning... I have done NO wunning. Or walking in an exercise fashion. Or even pilates in the last week.

So if I'm going to work on my BMI bullet, then I need to get on that horse. Or at least off of my ass.

I tweeted earlier in the week about the TIME Magazine article on weight loss & exercise. And for me it makes sense. If I work out, it's OK to have an ice cream bar. Oh, and it's a 100 cal Skinny Cow. So I get two, right? No wonder I'm not losing my fat suit. I keep putting it on as fast as I work on taking it off.

So in a triathlon, which event is likely the hardest on your body, but burns the most calories? Ding, ding, yep, you guessed it- running!

And if you've been reading along, which is the event that I loathe, despise, and avoid any time I can make an excuse? Yep, I've even changed the usage of the word since I avoid it so much, it's running.

So since I'm in random crazy mode, I signed up for some group training called, from couch to 5k, with coach Beth at Running Evolution. We met for the first workout today, and I think it was a good choice. I'm running with other women who are at my level (or lack there of) so I don't beat myself up, or feel like I'm holding others back the same way I did with my other group. And I'm training for a 5k on Sept 12, a week before the Trek, the Irongirl. It looks like a lot of fun, and the big thing I've learned, is that I CAN train all alone... but I don't work as hard or do as well.

Even when I did the tri- I felt like all of the other women were already GOING to do better than me, so there was no point in pushing my boundries. 104th best was OK. I'm still not trying to win my age division or anything, but I could and SHOULD push for MY best. And now I will. Even if it means moving further out of my comfortzone and running.

Maybe I'll figure out why on earth other people do it on purpose.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

One down two to go!

So, I guess I owe everyone a post...

Last week was amazingly busy at work, I had late meetings Thursday, but still managed to get to swim with my training team at Beaver Lk, even if I was late. Was too hot for my wetsuit, but it fit, and I got some time in it in the water.

So Thursday night, very little sleep. Friday I had the big thing I was working late for on Thursday, so work, work, work. Then we drive to Olympia to drop off the kid & dog with Grandma, drive, drive, drive. Check into hotel in Vancouver, WA (just north of Portland) at 11p.

Up at 5:45a. Hubby and I both couldn't sleep because we were worried about oversleeping. Up and a couple of pieces of French Toast at the hotel's breakfast and off to Blue Lake Park in Fairview, Oregon.

On the drive, I was ready to lose the French Toast. I knew this was something that I could do, but I was pretty sure the butterflies were going to win a little battle in my middle. We got parked and I picked up my packet. Before I knew it, I was in the the transition area. There I felt a little better, I knew what I was doing. I even helped others who didn't know how to set up.

There were a not a lot of women wearing wetsuits, but I wanted to have the floatation and confidence, so I wore it anyway. Since it was a "Try It" event, it was a shorter swim. The start was fully in the water, but that was OK. I did alright swimming in the crowd, and I think that if I go down to the water in time to practice a little and relax, it will go better. Only 3 little panic attacks, and I rolled over to my back twice, but in large part, that was because I saw so many others doing the back stroke. I was actually hot in the wetsuit, but when the the temps have been in the upper 90s for a week, I think that's to be expected.

We had to run up a hill to get to the transition area, and I spent longer there than I NEEDED to, but I was not pushing myself super hard either. The big change I think I'd make there is to get a little snack- something to help give me a little extra energy for the ride.

The ride itself went well, but I did lose a fair amount of ground. My husband noticed I've got one of the heavier bikes out there- I got new road tires put on my 1994 Trek Mountain Track, but still it's HEAVY compared to a road bike. I was pretty excited that I remembered to drink water... I tend to forget when I'm on a ride but I tried to make it a priority. We went along a pretty road that's along the Columbia River. It was pretty flat (although I later figured out that the ride out was a slight incline) but there was a significant head wind on the ride out. In theory, that would make the ride back in go REALLY fast, but I was pooped by that point, so I was happy to let it push me along. I also had some random numbness in my left foot & hand... will have to ask my Dr about it next time I go in.

Last transition I did have a chocolate gel. Not bad, but not a regular diet staple. Again, I think it would have been better to take on the bike ride. Had some water, but I really should have taken it with me for a little while. And I think that I could have moved faster. Took me like 4 min, but I do think one of those was looking for the dang gel (which was in the goodie bag they gave us @ the event.)

So then, I walked. Could I have done a little running? Of course. But I was getting hot, and with my history of heat exhaustion, I didn't want to push it. I was alone most of the way, but at the very end, caught up with a pair of women who were also doing their 1st tri, and we talked together to almost the end.

Overall, my time was right around 2:20. Not awesome, but not a bad benchmark to start from. I felt great when it was over, so I know that I could have pushed myself harder. Not that I want to actually make myself sick, but I felt like I should have been more tired. That will be my goal for the next one, better time, and actually tire myself out.

This weekend I'm planning to do a swim in Lk Sammamish, so I'll be familiar with what the water is like before my next tri on 8/29. Still haven't decided if I'm going to do the Seattle Open Water Swim on 8/15, so that I have a full 1/2 mile under my belt before the Trek, and if I'm going to do the Railroad Days 5k with my hubby & son. Maybe I'll just run the 1k w/ the kid. That one is on 8/22, so would make my Aug a pretty busy month.