Stretching out, or, what motivates me?

I’m honestly not sure why this ocurred to me as I was driving to work the other day, but since I love to beat a dead analogy, I can take the potato bug one step further. While the lowly potato bug is curled up in a little ball, it’s legs are all inside. It can’t move forward.

So the entire time I’ve been curling up in a little ball, sometimes almost literaly, I’ve been stuck.  So now I have to figure it out- what will make me move forward?

I’ve become VERY good at finding things that aren’t enough to make me break out of my protective shell. (Which I could think of my fat suit as that, but then we’re really mixing those metaphors!)

• Fear of being the “fat mom” hasn’t worked, I’m kinda there.
• Training for a total of now five triathlons, three 5ks and a 150 mile bike ride? Nope, evidently I can do these things with the bare min.
• Wanting to make my husband happy, or my son proud? Well, the dog loves me no matter what, right?
• Wanting to look, better, live longer, be more active? Still obviously not hitting my trigger.

After my last, much more positive post, where did Debbie Downer come from? Well, in my defense, I did start this blog before that one... and self-depreciation is a well learned and deeply ingrained habit, but I’ve also been finding some great excuses NOT to work out. I got a tetanus shot at my doctor’s appt, so my arm hurts.  It was almost sleeting on the way home, so I don’t want to drive back to the gym.  I’m making cookies and washing the dog. I’m making more cookies. It’s cold. I’m tired. The half marathon is still five months away... see, I’m REALLY good at it.

But Wednesday I had lunch with my friend, Tricia Moen.  She is half of the reason I’m planning to organize a team for the Mercer Island Half. And was the reason I washed the dog last night, as well as made one of the sets of cookies.  She has been fighting colon cancer for almost two years now. She was only 37 when she was diagnosed. And in a recent visit to her doctor, was told that she should plan on chemo of some sort for the rest of her life.

This blog started, before today, as, maybe I should buy myself something that I don’t actually GET until I log a certain number of miles. Or some other way to compete with myself, or maybe even someone else, to help get back to getting my butt in gear. 

But last week, when my arm hurt from my one little shot, I couldn’t complain to my mom.  She was missing her 9^th of 12 chemo sessions because she had to get two shots every day for three days. One shot to raise her platelet count, the other to raise her white cell count. The first 8 sessions of chemo have worked so well, they have killed too many of the good cells. She tells the doctors that she’s fine, but she’s afraid to eat because she doesn’t want to be sick to her stomach. And with chemo every two weeks, she no longer has those days where she feels like the old normal again. There are no longer truly good weeks and bad weeks. Just bad, and not quite as bad.

I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s where I learned some of my potato bug tendencies.  She doesn’t want any help. She doesn’t want us to see her at her worst. So she internalizes and powers through.  But every couple of weeks, I bring her the best reason I’ve found, other than her own sheer strength of will and refusal to any kind of victim, to keep fighting.  A second-grader who is planning to be a scientist and cure cancer when he grows up, and still likes to sit in his grandma’s lap.

I keep telling Mom that if she wants to see him graduate from MIT, she’s got to hang around for at least another 12 years or so, since we aren’t letting him skip grades. So I know that she’s got at least one reason to fight.

Now I just have to convince myself that I need to be fighting, and gathering my community of friends, not hiding from it. Seeing Trish is one of the first steps for me in getting myself moving forward.

Seeing Trish reminded me that I need to carpe every damn diem. Because you never, ever know what tomorrow may bring.  And I’ll never find out if I stay curled up in a little ball.  But if I stretch out and take more steps forward, I just might find something amazing.

I am T... I am a T-R... I am a T-R-I

D-E-L-T-A!  (If you don't actually know me, you might not have seen that one coming huh?)

I've got another blog with my usual self-deprecating tone started, but I had already been thinking that I should be nicer to myself during my sorority's international "Fat Talk Free Week," which is an amazing initiative, and a somewhat brave one for a sorority (where many would think body image is torn down, although that was totally NOT my experience as a Tri Delta!) so it only seems fair for me to stay on board.  Put my uh, mouth where my mouth is?

Anyhow, when I saw this post over on Oh She Glows, and decided that it's better for me to talk about the good stuff.

She gives 16 reasons why she loves her body, so here are a few of mine:

1) I can get away without training, because if I tell my body to keep going I know it will. Even when the spirit is weak, my body is possibly slow, but still willing. (Hey- no one said I had to be SLOW talk free! Heh.)

2) My body grew a person, quite possibly the most amazing person I've ever met. No matter how frustrated I get with my body (or with my little man), the baby growing process is pretty damn cool!

3) My body, including my face, really don't lie. I have ZERO poker face, and that's not a bad thing.  I'm emotional, expressive, and project it all from pretty much every bit of me.

4) It's taken a long time, but I like my smile, dimples and all. (Much easier to appreciate when you see mirrored in the guy mentioned in #2)

5) My health may not be PERFECT, but I am healthy.

6) I can dance, jump and move. I am a triathlete. My body can swim, bike & wun, all in a row. As my son likes to point out, neither he nor his dad swim (and the dog can't ride a bike) so I'm the only one at my house who can do that! :)

As I mentioned above, the other part of this post is give a little shout out to my sisters of Delta Delta Delta.  Our open motto is "Let us steadfastly love one another" but that's awfully hard to do if you don't start by loving yourself.  Sometime I might go into my high school & college flirtations with eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia respectively) but suffice it to say that in the world of photoshopped supermodels, I think this is a VERY important and for college girls everywhere, timely, message.

Check them out at http://www.endfattalk.org/

Pulling a potato bug

I know, it’s been a while... like 6 months while. So where have I been?

Two days after my last blog posted I got a call from my little brother. Mom had been sick, anemic to the point where she had to have a blood transfusion and spend the night in the hospital. She was back in action, but when he called they’d just finished her colonoscopy, and found “a mass that’s bleeding, and too large to remove during the colonoscopy.” They didn’t say the c-word, but we knew what that meant. Mom had cancer.

The following months passed in a blur. Doctor’s appointments- as the former journalist, I was the self-appointed asker-of-questions-no-one-wants-to-ask and note-taker, and the family information officer. And there was a lot of information to give. Stage 4 colon cancer, after surgery, fully resected. At least 12 sessions of chemo starting July 1, 4 hours in a chair and 48 hours wearing a pump every other week. And my mom, my strong, loving mom, who is a victim advocate in the special victim team of prosecutor’s office and holds the hand of people, especially children, who have been through the worst things you can imagine. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and doesn’t eat red meat. Now she’s poisoning herself twice a month.

She would not be happy about me talking about her here, but the fact is, I know I’ve built a wall. Much like the pill bug, or as I knew them growing up, potato bug, I’ve tried to concentrate on what I can, and spend a lot of time in an emotional and mental fetal position.

So I completed my race season, my first Danskin, rode for my friend and team captain in the MS 150, did my second Trek Women’s tri, but all the while, my heart has not been in it.

Danskin was my worst tri ever. There were too many people, it was too hot, and the water was choppy, meaning I struggled through the swim. I was so tired after the swim and thrown off my game, I unclipped and walked in clipless road bike shoes to get up the hills. Almost all of the hills. Got a little good karma for the day by stopping to help a woman whose chain dropped (it was my 1^st time I’d ever done it & it worked!) and while watching my heart monitor, never got above a walk on the 5k. Did I mention it was in the 90s by the time I finished? At 11am?

It was here I developed my new motto: I can do anything I set my mind to, as long as I prepare. (Note: for this event, I had NOT prepared)

Just a couple of short weeks later, it was time for the MS 150. I already knew with as much time as I’d spent driving to Oly (and as little time as I’d spent on my bike) there was no way I was going to make 150 miles, even over two days. So we set out on Saturday morning, Sept 11, and my only goal was to make sure I rode up a couple of hills, and maybe get to ride over Deception Pass (which meant the 56 mile loop). 12 miles in, I was feeling great. I’d ridden up all of the hills so far. Did a couple of Facebook posts so my son could see how I was doing along the way, and had been riding up the hills. Although I had the refrain to The Fray’s “Over my Head” stuck in my head, it seems I’d finally figured out how to work those gear deal-y thingers. I may do a fuller recap later, but the gist is: downhill (MOUNT ERIE- REALLY?) was as bad if not worse than uphill because my carpel tunnel kicked in; took the shuttle a couple of times, one time on a big downhill, the other my brakes were locked up; and I ended the day sore, but feeling good. I need to get better about staying hydrated, but there’s a chance I can try to do more on that ride in the future. Once I get out of the mental fetal position.

The weekend after the MS ride was the Trek. It was not my best TIME ever, and the weather was constantly threatening to be crappy, but I ended up feeling great. I cut almost 30 min off my total time with NO additional training. I only dismounted to go up the suicide hill that goes onto I-90, so my gear shifting lessons from the week before were worthwhile. And I would have cut off even more time if I wasn’t trying to post pics to Facebook since I again, told my boys that they didn’t have to come.

So since I’ve been curled up in a little ball with the occasional event to drag me out of the house, why am I back & blogging?

In large part, this blog has been all about me, and for the last few months, I’ve been trying my best to focus on NOT me. My mom’s cancer affects me, but it’s not about me. And my training has been almost non-existent. But the training part is going to change.

March 20^th is the Mercer Island ½ Marathon. This one’s for Colon Cancer, so of all of the events that I’ve done, it’s the first that I’ve taken so personally at the time I’m doing it. I’m planning to put together a team, just trying to find out if some of the teammates can do the 5k or 10k if others are doing the 13.1. Because thats what I'M doing. 13.1 miles. In case you’ve missed it in my earlier blogs, I HATE HATE HATE RUNNING. Seriously, just not a fan. But I’m working once a week with a personal trainer, I’ve read Marathoning for Mortals and built out a Walk/Run training plan that starts now, but is based on the mortal wisdom of the Penguin.

But I’m doing it. And again, to keep myself honest, I’m inviting you, my anonymous friends in the cloud, along for the ride. Because at 35, I did my first triathlon, something I’ve always wanted to do. And at 37, I’ll be doing my first half-marathon, something I’ve NEVER had ANY desire to do. But when you’re doing something to raise awareness and funds for research that could save your mom’s life, it’s worth pushing outside yourself.

And since I’m still a Big Girl who can Tri... if I can do this you can too. I’ll see you along the way.

Ain't That a Kick in the Pants?

It's been 3 weeks since I got my indoor bike trainer, and I've ridden it a total of once.

I've had what seemed like good reasons- was in a super minor car accident, but since I had my foot on the brake, knee was jammed & sore. Then my dad was in Seattle for back surgery. And then I've been feeling too tired/busy/fat/lazy and it just hasn't happened.

But last night I met my friend at a "Beginning Cycling for Women" class at REI. I signed up thinking it would be a good way to get motivated and kick myself in the butt. But I don't think it was what I needed... it was the hug from my friend, and our tentative plans to ride this weekend.

So this is my lesson (for myself) for today. Buying a new bike is not enough. Signing up for a 5k next month that I have done no training for, or two Sprint Tris, or even the MS 150 which I officially signed up for today, none of that is enough.

What you really need is a friend, someone who will hold you accountable. I may be flexible, but it's much easier for someone else to kick me in the butt, than for me to do it myself.

So be it signing up for group rides for an event like Cycle the WAVE (which I can't do because it's the same weekend as the Trek Tri) or group training with the Luna Chix, or with an awesome trainer like Coach Beth at Running Evolution, you've got to make a date.

So, I'm doing some looking into training again. Not sure if I'll do a group or 1:1. But I know I'll be making a lot of dates. Because they may be with other people, but it's always for me.

Ain't that a kick in the head? Evidently it's the one that I need.

Oh Ruuu-uby!

Don’t take your love to town! (Yep- totally dated myself right there, but when you’ve already admitted your age, whatever!)

Realized when I was on my ride Monday that I told the world when I fell in love with Ruby, and on Twitter have talked about the latest, but since I’m back on the blog, I haven’t shared pics of my new BFF, Ruby.

Isn’t she PRETTY! We first met at the IronGirl 5k last September, and I was trying to save enough to buy her, or feel like I’ve done enough to deserve. Only did 3 tris last year, and NO working out since Sept., but I’ve worked my rear end off at work, so the hubby agreed that I earned it, and I went to my big local bike shop, Gregg’s- and got fitted. Twice.

After much deliberation, we decided that I didn’t want to settle for anything less then what I REALLY wanted. A 57cm Ruby Elite, in the Komen color scheme. We ordered the 2010, only to learn that they only have it available in the white with blue. White seat, white handle bars, white frame. I live outside Seattle. Even when it’s dry, it gets muddy. I do triathlons. I have NO desire to put my fat, wet butt on a white seat. I was just about ready to give up, when I decided to call around to see if ANYONE still it in stock.

Finally, I found one place that had the 2009 Ruby Elite 57cm in Komen about an hour away. The bike I first rode and fell in love with. I asked them to hold it until the next day. I got to the bike shop about an hour and a half later.

I’m totally in love, but when you start to read the fine print, (which I tend to do) then I see a couple of concerns.

1. Reading the manual for the bike, and if I weigh more than 150 lbs, I’m supposed to get different brake pads. Really? Yeah, I’m 5’8.” That’s below my goal weight. Why would they do that? Wouldn’t small people want the stronger brake pads too? I’ve got a Women’s XL bike, because, at 5’8,” I have a 34” inseam. I’m all leg. Anyhow, wouldn’t they already expect me to be a larger person, since I’m, you know, larger?


2. THEN I found the warning:

“Not every bicycle and component is made for every conceivable use. A road bike, for example, is not suitable for off-road riding. Also, some bicycles and components are built to be lightweight, which means they may not be appropriate for riders who are approaching 250 pounds in weight (over 240 pounds, for example). Riders approaching 250 pounds in weight should not ride any bicycle equipped with Specialized-branded composite seat posts, handlebar stems, or handlebars. Failure to follow this warning may result in catastrophic failure of the component or bicycle, which may lead to serious personal injury or death.”

Specialized, I love my new bike, but SERIOUSLY? So chunky chicks can’t go fast or stop fast? I want less vibration, and therefore to be less tired. Is that so much to ask?

Now I have a few more decisions to make. Do I trust clipless pedals? They scare me anyway, but what if I stand up on them? Will they hold my unsuitable weight? What happens if I spend so too much time on my bike? I LOVE to ride it, but will it fail, leading to “serious personal injury or death?”

And then it has made me nervous about getting a trainer. Wrong time of year, but my husband has to be out late coaching golf some nights... so I may be getting back on the Trek when I train, at least until I slim a little. It’s good to train on something harder to ride, right??

New Season, New Dedication

I admit it. I not only took the last 6 months off from my blog. I took the time off from working out. Part of that had to do with changes and stress at work. Part of it was the winter. And a BIG part of it was that I ONLY LOST SIX GOD DAMNED POUNDS WHILE TRAINING FOR THREE TRIS AND A 5K LAST YEAR.

Yes, I was a little pissed.

But I didn't buy a stupid sausage-casing wetsuit and save up for a brand new road bike just to quit. So despite the fact that I've been out for like one wun, been in the pool twice, and been on my new bike once, I've signed up for my race calendar for this year, and am looking at doing something potentially crazier than tris.

So far, my summer looks like this:
- May 22- Girls on the Run 5k
- August 15- Danskin Women's Tri
- Sept 12- registered for IronGirl 5k
- Sept 19- Trek Women's Tri

(Looking at this, I realize I'm going to have to find something in June or July. Damn. Maybe I will do something w/ Livestrong... hmm.)

I'm actually registered for all four events, the reason that I hedge on IronGirl (other than I HATE wunning, so why would I make myself do that more often than needed) is that I may sign up for a bigger event event that weekend & can't do both.

I think I've mentioned her before, but I have a friend who I met thru my tri group last year who has MS. She is AMAZING. When I did Lk. Samm (the one where I came in abso-frickin'-loutely last) she had been having a flare up. She was stiff & in pain. She still kicked my ass.

So the day after I signed up for the IronGirl, she told me she is considering heading up a team for the MS 150 on Sept 11 & 12. That's 150 miles on a bike over two days.

On one hand, that's crazy talk. That's almost the STP (Seattle to Portland) ride. That's a LOT of time in the saddle.

On the other hand, crazy has never stopped me before. When I tried to talk someone into doing 60 miles in 3 days for the 3 day, I kept hearing that I was crazy. When I decided to start training for triathlons last year, I heard I was crazy. When I kept showing up for work on the Assignment Desk for a decade... hell, maybe I am crazy.

Technically I still have a couple of months to decide, but I'm 99% decided that I will be spending a lot of time in the saddle training this year. My 2009 Specialized Ruby Elite- Komen edition- will be getting quite a workout. And if I'm going to DO it, I'm likely to go for clipless pedals, and therefore have to conquer my fear of falling. And conquer my fear of taking time for myself.

So 2010 is looking like quite a ride. I'll let you know how it goes.

Three, it's the magic number!

So Sunday was it. The TREK Women's Triathlon. The tri I've been training for since MAY, and my third and final race of the season.

It was the biggest, the longest, and by far the best run of my events. The big national sponsor probably helps with that, but it also had a terrific atmosphere. And the fact that I got to do it with so many of my ladies didn't hurt either.

So race day started bright and freaking early. Race started at 7:15a, and I had to park, rack my bike, get body marked (grosses me out to do the day before), get set up, get into my wetsuit, and oh yeah, I live 30 min away.

I got no sleep the night before (can't sleep, won't wake up, can't sleep, need to sleep, so I don't bonk, can't sleep, need to sleep too much- kind of night) so I was a little cranky when I got up. Thank GOODNESS I had everything packed & ready to go.

I get into Seattle, and know that I'm blocks away from the park when I see people walking their bikes... uh, oh. I follow a stream of traffic to park in a field a block and a half away from the MASSIVE Genesse Park. The good thing I see- roads are closed until 1pm. I KNOW I can finish 5 hours...

Fast forward, transition set up, event zero (the wetsuit wiggle) complete. I find some of my amazing tri friends, and we go get into the water to wait for our wave. I meet even more of my friends, and a few more who are not friends yet. I don't really swim as much as get acclimated, and ready for the water. I'm in wave 8, so I've got some time to relax.

Out and back into the water for our pep talk from Sally Edwards. If we see another woman in trouble the way to give her energy, "You Go Girlfriend!" And the word for today, terrific! We are terrific swimmers, terrific cyclists, terrific runners, terrific triathletes.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... All I can think- DAMN that second buoy looks FAR away. 5... 4... 3... 2... Holy crap, whose idea was this again? 1... and we're off.

This is the first race I've been in where we've got so much water support. I'm keeping it slow and steady. Around the first buoy, still no panic attacks, no flipping on my back. Snow and steady. It's OK to rest a little. Don't need help, just breathe a little, and stroke, stroke, slow & steady. Random musing while I swim along- I wonder- how much time I will cut down when I lose all of the weight I want to and get the breast reduction down from ridiculous to just big? Seems like my K cups would cause a lot of drag.

"You are not alone," kind of cheesy Michael Jackson song, but keeps me on tempo. Around that second buoy, it's not so far away. And now I can see the end of the swim. Stroke, stroke, slow & steady. Still no panic attacks, and no flipping over. At the end, over the icky milfoil. Stroke until I touch 3 times, people to help us stand, and I'm headed up the hill for transition. 29:37 for my first ever 1/2 mile swim.

My spot was the far side of the transition area. The major advantage to being slow, it's much easier to find my bike with so many others from my rack already gone. Headed out, big crowd to cheer us on, and I'm feeling good. Out flat on our way to I-90, but then we climb to get to the Express Lanes. Getting passed, which is OK, but the actual trail to get onto the bridge is a walking trail, split for bikes going both ways. With an "s" curve. Straight uphill. Lost momentum, and for the first time in a tri, I'm off my bike and walking. Seemed safer than a crash.

The bridge was chilly, but not too windy. Steep high rise to get up onto Mercer Island, and into the tunnel. Lots of shouting for encouragement, cool echo. I get to turn around soon right? Nope. Never noticed there are hills in the Express Lanes on Mercer Island before. WTF? Going, going, and at the bottom of a hill, the turn around. Losing all of my lovely downhill momentum. Crap.

The way back is easier, because I know I'm more than half way. Push, push, hips starting to hurt. Hands falling asleep. Up the Seattle side high rise, and then it's almost all down hill. Second Chocolate gel- drink some water- CRAP- don't crash into that wall. Blow a kiss to the photographer, and back into transition. 1:00:08. (Yes, this is almost 20 min faster than Lk Samm)

Second transition is my fastest ever. Drop the bike crap, grab one more drink, my visor, and for once my heart rate monitor (HRM) to keep my honest, and in just over 2 min, I was off again.

Started out walking (my heart rate monitor said I could- but if I got under 140, it was time to run a little) but walking fast. I felt like the biggest mistake I made in the 5k was to start out running too fast. It's easier to set your own pace after the swim start in a tri- there's no crowd mentality. Saw a walker up ahead and jogged a bit to catch up and walk with her for a while. She was in a relay, but it turns out that she also did the Breast Cancer 3 day in 2001. We chatted about the importance of training, and drinking things like Gatorade even if they taste nasty, and then I checked my handy dandy HRM and was off & running.

My couch to 5k coach wrote a blog several weeks ago about races she likes, and says that she thinks out & back races are boring. I respectfully disagree. I like seeing others and shouting words of encouragement on the bike course. I couldn't tell you how many people I high-fived on the wun. We're all in it together, and it helps to see more people IMHO.

Anyhow, I was fairly true to my HRM, and picked up when I could/needed to. I already knew when to slow down. :)

Big hill, walked, no big deal. I met up with some ladies who were in my tri coach's new group. We wan together a mile or so. It was nice, although I think I let myself off of the running hook a little too much. We lost one person slightly, with a little run downhill. More and more down hill, and then we were in the park. Robin says to me- "I'm running at the orange."

So I was planning to run, as well, and I did. But then I saw my son, hubby & mom. And my son says, "You finished mom, I'm so proud of you!" in his shrieky little 6 year old voice, and I ran a little harder. Next thing I knew, I was sprinting. Like, OMG-someone-is-going-to-grab-my-child sprinting. And grinning. They called my name and said, "Wow, look at her go!"

And then it was over. I was hugging my boys, and my mom was crying. It was the best I've ever felt at the end of an athletic thing. I know how people get hooked.

My original purpose for this blog was just to share my training journey, and hope that by showing other people what I have gone through, they would believe that they could do it too. I still contend, if I can do a triathlon, ANYONE can. And as I've done this, I've made at least three people I know of decide they could, and not only sign up, but complete triathlons. I know of a couple more who are still in the planning stages, and at least one who went through with plans when it would have been easier to give up. I think that makes every single one of us a success.

My time for the wun was 50:40, my best for a tri, and only 3 min slower when I did just a 5k the weekend before. My total time? 2:28:15. Two min better than my stretch goal. I told a friend yesterday that my time may not have been a great time in GENERAL, but it was a great time for ME. And I'm the only one of me who was in it, right?

So this COULD be my last blog, but I think that this is just the beginning. I'm seriously looking at at least 5 races next year, starting with one where I learned to swim in Corvallis, OR in May. I'm hoping to lose some weight this winter to make all of this less work. Still thinking about more 5ks, so I can improve my wun time. Maybe some spinning classes to help me in the bike. And I'm still working on that $2200 in the couch cushions.

Hi. My name is Ange. I'm a triathlete. Come tri with me, the best is yet to come!