I found a lump

And honestly, although the diet has been going well, it’s about all I’ve been able to think about since.

Since most people who I pretend are reading this care in my head about the workout & weight loss stuff, I’ll tell you that the first week on 20/20, I lost 8.2 lbs.  And I weigh in again this afternoon think I’ll continue doing well, although I’ve done less working out on my own because I’m in a weird head place. The diet piece has been relatively easy, I just drink a lot of shakes, and can’t eat a lot of stuff. I’ve found things that I like for the other foods and keep eating the same thing because I don’t have the mental energy to be creative about it yet.  But although I WANTED popcorn when I went to the movies the other day, I didn’t eat it. And that was fine.

But today, I feel like my entire existence is centered on my left breast.  I guess it was two weeks ago now, I was showering, and I usually lift each one to wash, but didn’t.  And with the weight down, I noticed a spot that didn’t feel right.  So I felt it again, tried the other side, and felt again.  There it is, a largish (approx. 2 cm) smooth oval.  I didn’t tell hubby, since I was afraid he’d go into panic mode, and I wouldn’t get to go to work, and I had meetings I wanted to get to… but I did a little research online.  What I felt sounded like a cyst. OK, cyst. I can totally deal with that.

Told the hubby that night, made him feel my boob.  First time ever I’ve had to push for THAT! He felt it too.  After the thing that happened with my appendix last year, I didn’t want to see anyone else at my Dr’s practice, so I waiting until I knew she was back from vacation, and e-mailed.  I already have a physical scheduled for next Monday, but wanted to know if she was OK waiting that long.  She said no.  I saw her last Saturday.

On physical exam, she also thought that it felt cyst-like, but wanted to get a full exam.  Mammogram time.

Yesterday, I had the mammogram.  This was actually my second one, I went in 6 years ago at age 32 because I had some milky discharge from my left breast quite some time after I’d quit breast feeding.  It came up clear, but there are a couple of things that I wish I’d remembered.

1)      Wear flats.  I think I’ve mentioned this, but I’m a relatively tall woman at 5’8” and I like to wear heels. Yesterday I had on some really cute Tom’s wedges… which made me approx. 5’11”.   This is not helpful to the techs who must manipulate my massive boob in their machine. Plus, you have to stand there for a while, so flats just would have been smarter. The annoying thing was that I had flip flops in the car & just didn’t change.

2)      Wear pants.  Since it was a warm day for Seattle, I wore a lovely pink dress because I wanted to feel pretty & confident.  Which worked until I got there & they told me to take everything off from the waist up & I realized that all I had was underwear from the waist down.  Not a big deal, the gown was long enough, but still, I would have loved the yoga pants that were also in my workout bag in the car.

My appointment was scheduled at 2:40p, so I figured I’d have plenty of time to make it to my trainer at 6p, even with a 45 min drive.  Not so much.

First, they needed additional mammograms in more specific areas.  On both breasts. Twice.  This started to make me nervous.  By all means, let’s be thorough, but really, mammograms do NOT feel good… WTF?  More than an hour later, it was time to go into ultrasound, and there I saw a radiologist.  They needed the additional pictures because what they saw on the initial mammogram made them suspicious. There was not only the lump I could feel, which is right at the skin, but another in my left breast.  And on more spot that looked different from 6 years ago on my right breast. 

It went on from there, and I ended up having a core biopsy as well as having two little “clips” put in that would be markers for a surgeon. Me: “But my doctor said if it’s a benign cyst, we’d likely just leave it alone.” Dr: “We are doing the biopsy to be sure, but what we are seeing indicates it is most likely malignant and you will need surgery.”

Oh.

So now I get to wait.  I probably have breast cancer. I will know in the next 12-48 hours. I have an aunt who is a 15 year survivor (so far). As I told my mom, if I have cancer, I will just have to be a 50-80 year survivor.  If I still want to be alive when I’m 118. 

But I can’t help wonder if this Saturday will be the last time I’ll have a birthday party for my son.  And even not, how I will function when the view from the top is no longer my cartoon-like K-cup boobs. And all I can really do is wait. 

I’m not really a very patient person… but stay tuned.  Perhaps this big girl will be trying to beat cancer. Sigh.